Post China Gratitude

So, it's that time of year again, where American's reflect on all that is good in their lives, and all that they are thankful for. This year for Thanksgiving I would like to talk about some things that I am grateful for, some things that I have discovered about life and myself this year.  Since coming home from China, and living again in America for the past year, I have learned somethings about myself, and really have come to appreciate how my time in China has changed me and how I look at the world.  I think it is something that you can only learn when you come home, and try to mesh yourself back into the life that you left, and you realize just how much you have changed (and really, how impossible it is to really "go back" and fit back into that 'old' life--instead you have to make a new space).  So I want to write down a list of things I am grateful for learning this last year, in combination with my time in China.

1.  Fear. Fear rules our lives.  Fear of change, fear of not fitting in, fear of the future, fear of spiders, fear of not succeeding in our jobs, relationships, etc; just plain being afraid. Our lives are ruled by it.  And I am not saying that I am not still afraid of things (far from it).  But there is just so much that I am not afraid of any more.  I mean, I left everything familiar behind, not really knowing what I was getting myself into.  Turns out, my life was really not all that different than it was back home, but I didn't know that when I left, and I was scared literally to the point where I just couldn't think (though I am told I hid it well). I am still afraid of stuff; big spiders, driving in the snow, 18 wheeler trucks, carbon monoxide, and Ebola, to name a few.  But I am not afraid of normal sized spiders, traveling, talking in front of large groups of people, meeting new people, job interviews, singing/dancing in front of people, making eye contact, being somewhere where I don't know the language, not always knowing what I am doing, being unprepared, not having all the answers, saying I love you to people, and freely expressing opinions and emotions.

2. Distance and Relationships.  The thing about living on the other side of the world and literally leaving everyone and everything you know half a globe behind you is that you learn a thing or two about maintaining relationships.  You learn that it is hard.  But the the thing you learn about coming back home is that distance really doesn't matter.  I kept in touch with people, family and close friends, while was in China. And when I was trying to decide when to come home, many friends and family were all like, "omg, we miss you so much, please come home sooner rather than later."  When I did, finally and after much debate, decide to come home sooner, you would be surprised how many of these staunch "Rachel Come Home" supporters I have not really seen all that much of.  In fact, a few I actually spoke with more via Skype and the internet half a world away than I do now, a mere 20 minutes away.  What I have learned from this is that distance does make things hard, but it is not the determining factor in keeping up with a relationship; the willingness to find the time to have meaningful communication is.  You need to set aside an hour or two a week to call/message/Skype/have coffee with these people (friends, family, significant others, etc).  Because whether the distance is 20 minutes or 20 hours by plane, its the effort by both parties that matters more.  Of course, it is easier to stay in touch with someone who lives right next to you (you probably share a lot more day to day stuff than when you live thousands of miles apart) but I am telling you, distance is not the biggest obstacle to your relationships, at least not physical distance.

3. Diarrhea does not scare me in the least.  In fact, I usually don't even notice it (maybe this is a bad thing) because having it fairly regularly became part of my life for so long.  It's just a fact about living somewhere where the water is not safe to drink.  Of course I drank bottled water, but quite often I would eat somewhere that didn't quite get the water they cooked with up to the "killing microbes" temperature, and wham, nothing solid for a week. I guess what I am trying to say here is that I don't panic at every little health issue anymore; chances are, I am probably just fine.  I am not saying that I am never going to the doctors ever again, because that is just stupid, but before I would go for every cough and sniffle on the off chance it might be the flu, or meningitis, or some kind of horrible disease they hadn't even come up with yet! I guess this one goes back to fear.

4.  Beauty is so completely in the eye of the beholder. I mean, yes, there are some standard features which are generally considered attractive by most people, but beyond that...?  What is attractive and what isn't changes from person to person, and certainly from culture to culture. Trust me when I say that you are beautiful.  Maybe the guy or gal you're crushing on doesn't think so, but there is someone out there who is looking at you and wishing that they looked like you or could get with you, or whatever.  I got called beautiful on an almost daily basis in China.  Features such as my skin and eyes were under an almost constant barrage of praise. I was asked to be in pictures or if they could take my picture (although this might have equally been because I was foreign, not only because they thought I was pretty). In America, however, I am fairly average, and I have certainly never been called beautiful.  So someone, probably several someones, out there thinks you are beautiful.  There is no universal standard for pretty; we think that there is, but there just isn't.

5.  I love you.  Say it, or whatever it is you feel towards another person.  And I am not talking about just saying it to your significant other, I am talking about saying it to family and friends too.  You might think that they know that you love them (and maybe they do).  But they are filled with just as many doubts and insecurities as you are, and what if they don't?  What if they don't know that I love them?  My grandfather died while I was in China and that was hard.  But I know he knows I loved him, as he loved me, because we told each other that all the time.  You really don't ever know when the last time you will see someone is, so tell them you love them, darn it.  And anyway, who doesn't like hearing that?  Everyone likes knowing they are loved, by a friend, a parent, a lover, etc.

6.  We can't do this alone.  What, you might ask, cannot be done alone?  Life.  Everything.  We can't do this alone; we need each other.  We need our family, our friends, our other halves, our complete strangers.  We need them all.  When I got to China, I knew no one, save my professor, and it's not like she could be with me every second of every day.  I met some really wonderful people while I was in China, and we became friends, and also lifelines for each other; they were certainly my lifeline.  We need people to bounce ideas off of, to back our plays, to tell us why that particular play might not be a very good idea; we need people to laugh with and to cry with, and share our lives with.  We need their help and their support, just like they need ours.  You might think you are an independent person, and you probably are, but this does not mean that you do not need other people, that you can do 'life' all by yourself. You need your friends and your family and spouses and your boyfriends/girlfriends.  You need your students, you need that guy who holds the door open for you when your arms are full of stuff.  Today a man opened his closed business for me and my family because we really wanted to sing karaoke and we didn't know the hours had changed.  I need that guy.  And all these people need me, to some degree or another.

7.  Balance selflessness with a healthy does of selfishness, or vice ver-sa.  Doing things for other people makes me happy.  It tells me that I cannot possibly be a selfish asshole (a fear of mine) if I am doing stuff for someone else.  I like making other people happy, and as someone who is pretty good at judging people, and what they are thinking and feeling, I am pretty good at figuring out what will make them happy.  However, you cannot live forever on the happiness of others without beginning to resent them for it, which sort of defeats the purpose.  You start feeling like you are doing all this for others and no one is doing anything for you...you forget that you started all this in the first place, purely to make them happy, not with the expectation that they would return the favor.  So you also have to be selfish, and do things purely that benefit you, even if that sometimes makes others unhappy.  I am going to teach abroad again in another country; I know that the people who love me would be happier if I stayed closer to home, and they will miss me, but this is something I must do to make me happy, and so I will do it.  However, I will eventually come home, because I love them too, and this will make them happy (and also me; I do mostly love my country).

8.  It's great to be needed; its better to be wanted.  Going where you are needed is rewarding and fulfilling.  But don't stay somewhere where you are not wanted.

9. Your know your worth and value; don't let other's make you think otherwise.  I have a master's degree in teaching and a few years of teaching experience.  I am currently working as a substitute teacher and I work part time at night at Dunkin Donuts. I get customers who come in each night and assume all sorts of things about my educational background, life direction, and living conditions based solely on my aproned, visor wearing presence behind that counter, and nothing else.  But I know that I am there because I am working very hard for the next 8 months in order to get to the next phase of my life--teaching history full time somewhere in South East Asia.  I will not let people make me think less of myself for the jobs that I hold, because I know my value, and what I am capable of doing, and where I am going.  Do not let other's do the same to you, whatever your situation maybe.  Also, I try my best to return the favor to people I meet, and not let fairly topical characteristics determine that person's value.

10.  Life is way too complicated without worrying about what other people are thinking about you.  I mean seriously.  All that time I spend worrying about what they are thinking, and you know what they are doing?  Thinking about what I, and everyone else, are thinking about them!  Which means they, and everyone else, aren't even forming coherent thoughts about me, because they are too busy worrying about themselves.  And if they are, by some chance, thinking about me, am I even ever going to see this person again?  Probably not.  Because the people that matter already know and love you.  Screw everyone else.  Unless that person is your boss; them you are probably going to want to try and impress, and worrying about what they think about you is probably important, so keep trying to impress them.

And of course I am grateful for my friends and family, and all the usual things we are grateful for on Thanksgiving.  I am grateful for my jobs, I am grateful to my parents who are letting me live with them this year that I am home; I am grateful for my friends who remind me there is more to my life this year than my jobs; I am grateful to my family who love me no matter what I do; I am grateful for the health and well being of the all the people I love; I am grateful for being able to be a part of my sisters wedding; I am grateful for the people who read and/or follow this blog.  I am also grateful for a plethora of things about China; that I was able to go, the people I met, my students, the traveling I was able to do; I could go on for ages, but you get the gist.