How to Talk to the Repatriated

I have read several blog posts over the past year about living abroad, and how these experiences largely benefit your live in so many ways.  I recently read a post about why studying/living abroad ruins lives.  Of course, it was entirely satire, poking fun at the excuses people give for why they choose not to live/work/study in another country.  I recommend you read it--if you've lived abroad, you will find it funny.  If you are on the fence about making the decision to study abroad, it might make you realize that some of your excuses against the experience are probably invalid (or at least worth rethinking). However, this article did get me thinking about some of the quirks that people do come home with after spending significant time abroad.  Because we do not come home the same people we were when we left (that would be impossible) and talking to us (especially shortly after we arrive home) can be a bit of a minefield.  So here is some advice for reestablishing contact with someone who has spent significant time abroad.  Or, if you are one of those recently returned expats, how to become aware of your behavior upon reentry--if only I'd written this for myself months ago ;)

1.  Try to be patient with us. 

We seem to have an overpowering need to talk about our travels.  I mean, literally every sentence in a conversation we are in begins with, "Well, while I was in Country X...."  This is does not happen for a few days or even a few weeks.  It takes months.  Months until we stop automatically comparing everything to what happened while we were abroad.  It is even worse if we do not live near anyone who shared that experience with us; we must share all these details.  A big part of the reason I have this blog is solely to give me an outlet to talk about China.  What this means for you (especially if you live/work with us) is that you are going to hear a lot about things you might not always be in the mood to listen to. We appreciate your attentive listening while we try to process some pretty overwhelming reverse culture shock...for months.

2.  Be specific in the questions you ask your recently repatriated comrade.

I find myself extremely irritated with the phrase, "So, how was China?"  So, how was China?!  I don't know, pal, can you summarize the last two years of your life?  Because I sure can't.  This means that my answer usually goes something like this: "It was cool."  Which leaves my listener obviously wanting to know more, but both of us just kind of standing there awkwardly.

So, here is my advice.  There is something specific you want to know about.  Everyone I have talked to has wanted to know about a certain aspect of China--the economy, the food, toilets, communism, the deep social and cultural differences in the values on education, etc.  For some reason they feel like "so how was China?" needs to be their opening conversational volley.  Trust me when I say this is unnecessary--just launch right into the topic you are interested in--ask me, "hey Rachel, so what was your favorite food in China?" or "how does the pollution compare to what CNN is reporting?"  If you honestly don't know what you want to know about China, but want to (or feel obligated to) talk to me about it anyway, pick a topic and lead with that one.  For example, "Rachel, where did you live?"  This will launch me into an over-detailed description of my apartment and my campus and likely spawn new questions and the dialogue continues.  And I don't feel like I have to wrap up two years of my life in one to three really lame adjectives.  I cannot tell you how much I appreciate people who just start asking me questions.  I also cannot really explain or justify the rage I feel when I hear, "so, how was China?"

3.  Understand what you don't understand.

Look, as an American, you are no different than 85% of the people living in the other countries in the world.  What does this mean? It means that you don't (unless you are part of that 15%) have a clue what's happening in the rest of the world. You have no reason to--it's not part of your everyday.  It's hard enough keeping up with what's happening in America (not that you are likely on top of that either, if we're being totally honest with ourselves).  I am no different, really--except now I've had this experience in another country.  Now I am not just familiar with America, but also China and Chinese culture. And now I get this urge to slap people when they make ignorant or offensive statements/questions about China.  You should know I also had the urge to slap people in China when they made equally ignorant/offensive comments/questions about America.  Which happened frequently.

We understand the reason you are making these statements or asking these questions is because you don't know or understand, and you are trying to gain that knowledge so you can understand.  My advice here is just to be careful how you phrase things.  So instead of saying something like, "Omg, how did you stand it there, they say China is so dirty."  Say something like this, "So, is it really as polluted as they say it is?  How did you deal with that pollution?"  It answers your question about how I deal with the pollution (because it exists) and also acknowledges that the question you are asking might be based on faulty info (the pollution is not nearly as bad as it is stated on CNN, unless you are in Beijing on a particularly bad day).  Or another example, "Hey, Rachel, you miss eating cat everyday?"  I never ate cat.  I can't remember ever even having the option to eat cat (I can't say the same for dog).  The truth is, yeah, people in other countries eat things that we may or may not consider to be food.  We eat some stuff that other countries find repulsive--ask other countries what they think of our breakfast cereal or our cheese or the pervasiveness of sugar.  But instead of being offensive, and showing off how much you don't know about another country, instead ask, "Hey Rachel, what was the craziest thing you ate?" (The answer to that would be scorpion).

4.  Try to take what we say about our "home away from home" with a grain of salt.

I am not kidding about the length of time someone is stuck in reverse culture shock.  It is literally months.  And every once and a while we relapse.  Depending on which way our internal pendulum is falling, we may be sweetly nostalgic about the country we lived in; we are talking about how much we loved it and all the things we miss.  We might be on the opposite end of the spectrum, talking about how frustrated we were, how much we hated everything, and how nothing could get us to go back.  You're gonna get whiplash listening to us ping pong between these extremes of love and hate. 

This can be particularly confusing if you are considering going to this country yourself.  Do not be discouraged when we rant, and do not be swayed when we wax poetic.  Life there was pretty much like life anywhere, with it's ups and downs, it's highs and lows.   So if you are thinking about making a move, where we lived was not as awesome as we proclaimed it to be nor as terrible as we bitched about.  My advice will always be to live/work abroad for a while; it's just a good experience.  You will be a better person.  You will enjoy it, and you will not regret it.  But you gotta do what's right for you, and go where you think is best, when you think it's right--for you.

5.  Try to avoid being around a group (four or more) of people who have lived abroad. 

You might think, hey, I know all these people who have been abroad....wouldn't it be great if I got them all together?  Maybe you are playing matchmaker, maybe you are just thinking of the crazy conversations that might happen, maybe you just want to hang out with all of us at once.  Let me tell you why this is a bad idea.

People who have been abroad are obnoxious when they are all together.  It's like somehow, it turns into a competition of who had the best/worst/most extreme/saddest/most difficult/frustrating/WHATEVER experience while they had while abroad.  It doesn't start out that way.  It usually just starts with one person sharing an experience.  Then the someone else needs to share a comparable experience.  Then someone else needs to build on that.  I can't really explain it, but I hate it and it seems to happen whenever you get groups of us together.  Some of the conversation at the international job fair I went to proved to be some of the most irritating of my life; I have never hated myself more than when I was caught up in this competition of experiences.   Personally, I just try my best to avoid these kinds of conversations altogether, but it took me a while to learn (and it sometimes still happens).  I also recommend you avoid large groups of expats when you get back--should you also be living abroad or thinking about living abroad--so you can avoid getting sucked into these kinds of conversations.

If you find  yourself surrounded by a flock of repatriates, try to forgive the conversational sinkhole we will find ourselves in.  Or even better, try and redirect our conversation to other topics.


This advice is based solely on my own personal experiences having come home, and having driven friends and family nuts during my everlasting re-acculturation period.