The Closet Extrovert

I am taking a brief, one-post-long, hiatus from the China-travel-stuff to talk about something that has been kicking around in my mind a lot lately...probably for the last year or two.

I spent the first 23 or so years of my life identifying with what all those personality tests call "the introvert." Now, society seems to (inaccurately, of course) paint these people as the dark-clad, eye-contact-avoiding, stuttering, awkward weirdos that everyone in the office seems to want to avoid.  Don't get me wrong, stick me into certain anxiety inducing scenarios and I have (and probably will again) morphed into just that person.  But I think I have been misdiagnosed.  Or perhaps incompletely diagnosed is a better way to put it.

Most of these personality tests ask you about how you prefer to spend your leisure time, how you interact in work and social situations, and what kind of activities you prefer.  When you finish, it tells you whether or not you fall into those two categories--the introvert or the extrovert.  There is typically a little blurb at the end that tells you what, in generalities, your personality is like.   These things tell me that I do not like calling attention to myself and avoid being at the center of it, that I need a lot of time alone, etc.  They are about as accurate as your horoscope; they have just enough in there that seems true or in alignment with how you view yourself, making you ignore or excuse that which does not quite fit with who you are.

Well, pretty much anyone who knows me fairly well knows that identifying me as 'introverted' is an outright lie (although I do tend to approach new social situations hesitantly, observing for a while before interacting and make close friends slowly, along with a slew of other 'introverted' characteristics).  Given these characteristics, maybe there are just not that many people who get to see me in my attention hogging element.  I mean, I am sure that if any of the people I went to school with remember who I am, they would describe me as quiet, shy, and, yeah...introverted.  If any of my close friends and family were to describe me?  Totally. Different. Story.

Now, this has changed a lot in the last four years or so, for a variety of reasons.  College, China, gained experience, loss of fear, growing into the personal I want to be...I could go on (seriously, I feel like the last few years have just been one Big Bang in my own personal cosmos).  Along with this growth and self realization, I also came to the conclusion that I didn't really change all that much.

I have always, to a certain degree, craved the spotlight.  Even when I was back in grade school.  I wanted to interact with people and answer all those questions the teacher posed to the class.  I always had a quite a few thoughts, opinions, comments, snide remarks, and witticisms floating around in my brain. It was not a lack of desire to be in the thick of things that got in my way.  There was just a great deal of fear stopping me.

I didn't answer the teacher's questions because what if I was wrong?  Or what if the other students thought I was super lame for actually caring about school work--don't judge, we were all fifteen once, right? I didn't interact with too many of my peers because what if I said something silly?  What if I said something that proved what a huge nerd I was or how much I didn't know about whatever it is that teens are supposed to care about (clothes, makeup, sex, fashion, music, television, etc).

Well, as I have talked about briefly in some other blog posts, I have let a lot of that fear go (probably too much of it--fear keeps us from doing stupid things).  Without this fear, I feel like I have been able to grow into a person that is not operating at so many extremes--its so much nicer to be yourself always, rather than slightly (or sometimes extremely) modified versions of yourself.  I mean, if you're buried under layers of social anxiety and such, it's no wonder you check "needs a lot of time alone" on those personality tests--it's the only time  you get to be yourself!

And thus for those people walking around, cloaked under introversion, but craving the spotlight, I have a invented (alert Websters!) a new name for you--A Closet Extrovert.  You know who you are--you want that attention.  You go to karaoke bars and then don't sing, or only sing after you've knocked back a few and only then if you are part of a large group (and you always stay in the back).  You are the one sitting in class silently fuming because you have reached whatever conclusion the teacher is spoon feeding the rest of the class, and we all could have been spared this slow torture if you'd just raised your hand 30 minutes ago. You're the person who is posting a bunch of really awesome stuff online and your screen name is a series of emoticons (unless you are posting something sensitive about where you work or you live in some kind of oppressive government state, this level of anonymity is unnecessary).

I am not saying there are not honest to god introverts, because of course they're are.  There are people who take one look at karaoke and shudder.  I am also not saying that I do not frequently need to retreat into somewhere quiet and chill with a book for a few hours after I have spent the day doing social things.  Or days where I don't talk to anyone. I still maintain a small group of really close friends (everyone else qualifies as friendly acquaintances).  If there is one thing I have learned about going from living alone to back with my parents is this: I LOVE LIVING ALONE.  I love having my own space. I love being able to walk around the house talking to myself about stupid topics and busting out a few less-than-coordinated dance moves and knowing that no-one is going to walk in on me.   I suppose these qualities make up the more introverted part of my personality.

But I also love being around people. I love big cities. I love drawing on the energy from big groups of people like some kind of vampire.  I mean, what feels so good about coming home and being alone is having come from being out with friends and having a good time.  My personality has some distinct extroverted flavor. When I finish being cloistered in my room for hours after reading a book, guess what I do first? I go find someone and ramble on endlessly about the book I just read.  I love making people laugh and the energy you get from hanging out with others.  Although, I will admit, I do prefer to tackle time with my friends in a one-to-one, or group-of-three-or-fewer basis.  Not because seeing them all together is overwhelming, but because I like to devote all my time and attention to that friend--I feel like that strengthens and affirms our friendship, rather than dividing my attention between five or seven of them.

I have gotten rid of a lot of that fear I was carrying around. I only care about the opinions of those I love and respect, or those pertaining directly to my career.  Everyone else?  Who cares?  As for singing in karaoke bars?  Bring it--I mean what is the difference, really, between four walls and a room full of drunk strangers I will never see again?  Nothing.  Drunk strangers = just as good as singing alone.   Someone thinking that my behavior is silly or whatever is their right as an observational human being, and of absolutely no consequence to me (you  know, unless they're my boss).

I think trying to fit people into either introverted or extroverted is limiting.  I mean, I appreciate my years as being effectively mute in social situations.  Its made me pretty good at reading people.  It's also made me a pretty good listener and a patient, empathetic person.  I also appreciate those extroverted qualities.  I like being able to mingle with strangers (thank you, customer service job) without having a panic attack.  I like being able to freely share my thoughts and opinions on a bunch of topics.  I like holding an audience captive--either my friends, my family, my classes--and having the spotlight on me.

I bet there are a lot of people out there who don't really fit into the introvert category, even if they do exhibit some distinct introverted qualities.  Even if they do prefer some quality solo time and are exhausted by other humans.   I bet they look at that introverted description and feel that there is something missing.  Same for the ones that qualify as extroverted.   Maybe this deserves to be a both/and sort of discussion, rather than and either/or.

Like I said, I have been thinking about this more in the last few years, largely when confronted with the stark contrast of the image of myself when I was 18 to the person I have morphed into.  I wonder how many extroverts might be hidden away under layers of fear-based introversion (again, there are real introverts, I am not saying there aren't) who maybe just haven't realized their hidden extroverted personality components?