Ursus Idiota

The majestic Giant Panda.  A creature almost symbolic of China itself (seriously, check your Chinese takeout menu, I bet it has a scene of the great wall and a panda on it).  I went to go see these august and noble beasts over two years ago.  Why, you ask, have I waited so long to talk about these awe inspiring beings?

Because: I. Hate. Them.

I had no strong feelings of like or dislike concerning Pandas  prior to my trip to Chengdu, the nearest city to the Giant Panda Preserve.  I thought, as many do, that the Panda was adorable.  I thought (especially after watching the Great Panda Adventure as a young child) that they were an endangered species, and like all endangered species, in need of human intervention in order to thrive.  I can remember reading articles about zoos having difficulty breeding pandas in captivity and the success stories always making the news.  But beyond that, I didn't really ponder the perplexity of pandas.

However, when Liv suggested Chengdu as the site of our first big adventure (it was our very first--but would be far from our last--solo trip in China) I expressed excitement at seeing these bears.  I mean, come on--seeing Pandas in China?  How can you not be excited about that?  Plus, I have always loved zoos and the like, so I was pretty stoked to see these guys.

Having been two years ago, I cannot quite remember where in our Chengdu timeline the Pandas fell, but it was one of the two really big things we went to that city to see (the other being the Leshan Buddha statue), and so I believe we went on our first or second full day in the city.  We went on the tour provided through our hostel (these are great--the price is reasonable, they provide transportation to and from the hostel, and they are safe and reliable).  We left very early in the morning and arrived at the Great Panda Preserve around 8:30am.  We were not the only group there that day, nor were we the only Americans--there seemed to be a group from a University from the states.

We began our tour of the pandas.  It would appear that this preserve has the pandas set up in several group habitats.   But after passing two or three such habitats, we began to notice some fairly startling similarities in panda behavior.  Almost all of them were lolling on the ground in a sort of a blob-like sitting position, pounding back bamboo like it was their job.  I mean, I am not expecting them to play tricks or anything for me, but you'd think one or two of them would be engaged in some other kind of behavior!  But alas, just a lot of continuous bamboo munching.

Eating bamboo...

We did eventually pass a habitat that had several pandas in it, some of them still sleeping (rolled up in tight little balls in the trees--I watched them come down but I still have no idea how a panda manages to go up and down trees), most were engaged in the never-ending consumption of bamboo, and one or two were actually walking about not eating (though I suspect they were just searching for more bamboo).  My favorite was the one who tried to cross a little bridge thing and fell on its head, almost in slow motion.  I may not have been forming any strong positive feelings towards these fat, lazy fluffballs at this point, but I didn't hate them....yet.

Annnnnnd eating more bamboo....

Moving to a location where more bamboo can be consumed.

About halfway through our tour we were guided to a little cafe.  The cafe did not seem to be running, but they had a projector and screen set up inside the cafe.  We filed in and sat down and the docent began playing a movie* about the plight of the panda.  It should be noted that an Enya song played on a loop during this whole video.

Sure, habitat destruction and poaching has negatively impacted the giant panda to a point where there is not too many (if any) in the wild.  But some zillion years ago (because according to this video the pandas are like 850 million years old) pandas stopped eating meat.  Making them dumber.  In captivity, pandas will not willingly procreate.  They have no sex drive--also a possible byproduct of their altered, now exclusively bamboo diet.  So since the panda will not willingly engage in sex, the lab techs (desperate to preserve this creature) artificially stimulate the male, collect his semen, and inseminate the female.

It is one of the great disappointments of my life that I did not video that film.  In lieu of that, here are some pictures of Panda Science!

Now this might seem fairly standard for animals in captivity. I don't think the giant panda is the only creature that fails to reproduce successfully in captivity--I don't know if they are the only ones that refuses to try.   However what does not seem fairly standard is the next phase it what is starting to look like panda suicide.  Once they get that lady panda all nice and fertilized and she carries that baby to term, the moment that baby panda is born, they have to tranq the mom and little lab techs need to run in and rescue that little baby panda.  Why?  Because if they don't, the mama panda tries to beat it to death. I am not kidding you.  They showed us video of a mama panda treating this little pink newborn like a hockey puck.

Now most people in the audience were sympathetic to the preservative efforts of the zoologists working at this institution.  But Liv and I?  No, we were horrified.  Why are these animals still alive?  Why are we bothering to keep these animals alive when they have clearly, as a species, decided its time to go? What animal refuses to procreate and then kills its young and still desires to live?  Also, I am not convinced the panda would have survived on its own, even if you factored out the human reasons for their endangered condition--they sit around all day eating bamboo.  They are not fast or particularly threatening. They are like big targets for any kind of predator.  If there was a fire, and a panda was sitting there eating bamboo, I am pretty sure it would not run away--it would go up in flames in a blissful bamboo-food coma.

So, our take away lesson from this experience is that pandas are kinda dumb and have no independent will to live.  And maybe we should just let them go--release them to the wild and let nature take its course.  I will say, however, the baby pandas?  They're adorable and super active--they haven't been addicted to bamboo yet.   Watching them run around, play on plastic rocking horses, and in general be cute was one of the most adorable things I have ever witnessed.

I realize that this video of a baby panda does nothing to convince you of my argument against the pandas, but he's just so damn cute, I can't not share it with you. 

The red pandas are also super cute, although they are given relatively little attention at the preserve.  They were some of my favorites.

See? So Cute!  And much more deserving of preservation.

* There was a lot of information in this video about the pandas.  I share with you only what stuck out in my memory, so this is likely giving you a skewed version of the data found in the video they showed us.  My factual information may also be colored somewhat by my hatred of this mammal. But in a last ditch effort to instill doubt in you about the wisdom of panda preservation, I leave you with this image of the worst and most horrifying taxidermy job I have ever seen. 

Meet Demon Panda.  And let this image stay with you.